So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Randomize
