I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
