we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My liver just had a heart attack.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
