I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
