I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
