I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
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