im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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