It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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