Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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