I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
