I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize