so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
