when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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