the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
