last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
