There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
