I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I am naked and annoyed.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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