I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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