I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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