Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
