Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I take back everything I said about communal showers
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
I need to calm my uterus...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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