her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
