the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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