were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize