I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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