I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
