Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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