I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize