Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
