The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize