Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
