you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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