I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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