I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
