I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
