I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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