ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
