I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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