i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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