I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
OPIZZABONMYDICK
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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