Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
