That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
don't judge my taste in strippers
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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