i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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