I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
