I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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