I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I love having hate sex.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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