the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
