can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
