I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
