Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
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