First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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