she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
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