i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
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