Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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