What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
