FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize