Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
