Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
