I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
