SEEEEXXX PLEASE
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
Randomize
