you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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